The Trouble with Henry and Zoe Read online

  Andy Jones lives in London with his wife and two little girls. During the day he works in an advertising agency; at weekends and horribly early in the mornings, he writes fiction. This is his second novel.

  Follow Andy on twitter: @andyjonesauthor

  Praise for The Two of Us:

  ‘Sincere, honest, moving and funny’

  Heat

  ‘Beautifully drawn, eminently believable protagonists . . . This is a wonderfully engaging novel. I loved it’

  Sara Lawrence, Daily Mail

  ‘Honest, gripping, bittersweet and very funny’

  Jenny Colgan

  ‘Jones gets right to the heart of his characters . . . emotional, acutely observed and, written from a male point of view, particularly refreshing’

  Fanny Blake

  ‘At my age I am still amazed when a writer with the gift of the written word can make me care about a character so much that I can be reduced to tears one minute and laughing the next – but this author manages to do just that’

  Sun

  ‘Frank, funny and bittersweet, The Two of Us is a love story about what happens when a relationship looks all wrong but feels all right. This is a book with its heart firmly in the right place’

  Louise Candlish

  ‘Touching, funny and real, Andy Jones’s novel about what happens after the love story had me laughing one minute and crying the next. I loved it’

  Jane Costello

  First published in Great Britain by Simon & Schuster UK Ltd, 2016

  A CBS COMPANY

  Copyright © Andy Jones, 2016

  This book is copyright under the Berne Convention.

  No reproduction without permission.

  ® and © 1997 Simon & Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved.

  The right of Andy Jones to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.

  Simon & Schuster UK Ltd

  1st Floor

  222 Gray’s Inn Road

  London WC1X 8HB

  www.simonandschuster.co.uk

  Simon & Schuster Australia, Sydney

  Simon & Schuster India, New Delhi

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  Paperback ISBN: 978-1-4711-4246-8

  Australian Trade Paperback: 978-1-4711-5513-0

  eBook ISBN: 978-1-4711-4245-1

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Typeset in Bembo by M Rules

  Printed and bound by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY

  Simon & Schuster UK Ltd are committed to sourcing paper that is made from wood grown in sustainable forests and support the Forest Stewardship Council, the leading international forest certification organisation. Our books displaying the FSC logo are printed on FSC certified paper.

  To Sarah

  For showing me where the good stuff is

  Contents

  PART 1

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  PART 2

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  May

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  June

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  July

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Ping

  Henry

  Henry

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  August

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  September

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  Zoe

  Henry

  PART 3

  Epilogue

  PART 1

  Henry

  The Question Keeping Him Awake

  The question keeping him awake is this . . .

  Which is worse: marrying the wrong woman, or taking her heart and smashing it to pieces in front of one hundred and twenty-eight guests?

  Or maybe it’s the answer that is troubling him.

  Too late for all that now, though. He checks the time on his phone – 2.48 a.m. – and sees it is a little less than ten hours until he is scheduled to say ‘I do’. He’ll have bags under his eyes, he thinks, and his mother – the local hairdresser and unqualified beautician – will be furious. Every Sunday for the past six, she has forced Henry to endure a viciously thorough facial routine, but all her work is now undone.

  Within months of proposing, Henry quit his job in the UK’s fifth largest city and returned to the open fields and narrow lanes of his childhood. He took a job at a local dental practice and moved into his old bedroom above his parents’ pub. Last Sunday, his mother subjected him to a final ‘calming’ facemask.

  ‘It’s a wonder he’s not bent,’ his old man said, standing in the living room doorway like a matinee idol gone to seed – muscular forearms crossed above the landlord’s paunch; handsome eyes, still bright in his tired face; his thinning but stubbornly black hair cut in an immaculate rockabilly quiff.

  ‘What you doing up here?’ his mother says, applying a layer of cold green gunk to Henry’s face.

  ‘Khazi.’

  His mother sighs. ‘Jesus. Thank you for sharing.’

  ‘You asked.’

  ‘What’s wrong with the gents?’

  ‘We’ve had this before, it’s brass monkeys in there.’

  ‘Because you haven’t fixed the window’s why.’

  ‘I said I’ll do it.’

  ‘Yeah. Said but didn’t do, story of your life.’

  Henry’s father unfolds one arm and nags his hand back at his wife. From where he’s standing, the former boxer and one-time local celebrity can’t see Clark Gable raising his cocktail on the mute TV screen. Henry watches his mother’s eyes flick from his father to the TV and back, observes her expression slip from resentment to disappointment.

  Propped up on the sagging and threadbare sofa, his face tight under the contracting clay mask, Henry says to his father, ‘I’ll sort those barrels as soon as I’m done here.’

  ‘Wouldn’t want you to chip a nail,’ the old man says.

  ‘Leave him alone,’ snaps his mother.

  ‘I will if you will.’

  His father shakes his head and walks off down the corridor. Henry’s mother smooths the clay at the bridge of his nose and sighs. ‘Your poor nose,’ she says. ‘Your poor poor nose.’

  Henry (named after the British Heavyweight who briefly floored Muhammad Ali) knows that, after his birth, his mother had twice miscarried before resigning herself to never having a daughter. In place of an unrealized girl – to have been named Priscilla Agatha – Henry sat be
side his mother on this same sofa and watched From Here to Eternity, The Apartment, His Girl Friday and dozens more.

  ‘You’ll turn him soft,’ his father would say.

  ‘I’m teaching him how to be a real man,’ Sheila would counter.

  And so his father dragged Henry to the boxing gym, and his mother sat him in front of the TV, neither forgiving the other for the damage done to their son – a broken nose, a scarred eyebrow, a sissy’s taste in movies. Sometimes these resentments would pass as nothing more than routine bickering, other times (his mother deep in drink, his father tending an empty bar) it would escalate into ugliness.

  He’s seen the photographs: Clive ‘Big Boots’ Smith, cocksure and potent, with his arm around his girl’s waist. Made for each other is what people would have said. And it’s true, as if each were designed by the same toymaker – but made rigid and fragile with no moving parts.

  They looked perfect together.

  The way everyone says Henry and April look perfect together. Like the sugarcraft bride and groom atop their three-tier cake. He and April don’t fight. They have had their disagreements and spats, of course, but they seldom acquire any heat. Certainly nothing approaching the rancour so easily accessed by his parents.

  Still, is not fighting a good enough reason to get married?

  The imminent groom shifts in his bed – an uncomfortable single in the rent-a-castle that will very soon host the reception. They live less than five miles down the road, but April wanted a castle and April’s father isn’t one to deny his princess. The fourteenth-century building (weddings, conferences, corporate events) has two wings: the bridal party in one, the groom’s in the other, everything carefully orchestrated to ensure the two don’t meet before the big event.

  And isn’t that a thought.

  Again, Henry turns the question over in his mind. Should you marry someone you like? A beautiful girl you’ve known since you were fourteen, someone who loves you . . . should you marry that person when you know in the chambers of your heart and coils of your guts that you don’t love this girl? Not like they do in the movies, not like Rhett loved Scarlett or Rick loved Ilsa. There is love, yes, but has it peaked? And is love an absolute? Can you love a little or a lot? And how far will a little take you – five years, ten?

  Should you marry her anyway, because you have been together (more or less) for twelve years, because your fiancée is the next best thing to the daughter your mother never had, because she cuts hair in your mother’s salon, because her father is building a house for you to grow old and die in? Should you smile and say ‘for better or worse’ when you suspect that of the two options the latter is by far the more likely? Should you lift her veil, kiss your bride on her beautiful lips and whisper (loud enough, of course, for the congregation to hear) ‘I love you so much’? Even though you don’t – not like Ben loved Elaine, Calvin loved Fran or Walter loved Hildy. Should you do this because you know everyone in this village and they know you and the alternative is unthinkable?

  And why now, Henry? The last twelve months have been a blizzard of magazine cuttings, fabric samples and lists of lists. For the last three months April has not worn slippers, instead watching TV and making cups of tea in a pair of ivory-white stilettos, the six-inch heels pockmarking her mother’s carpets as she breaks in the shoes ahead of a short walk and a night of dancing. Henry almost laughs at the thought, but there is nothing funny about what he is contemplating.

  Which is what, exactly? Knocking on her door after breakfast, asking how she slept and then: ‘Listen, I’ve been thinking . . .’

  Unthinkable, he thinks. He can’t, he cannot imagine a workable scenario that accommodates him telling his fiancée that actually, having slept on it, he thinks – in the long run – they would both be happier if they called the whole thing off.

  It is not the first time this black idea has occurred to him. It has been festering for months. Two weeks ago he was performing a root canal on Mrs Griffiths, and as she lay with her fingers laced beneath her bosom, the overhead light had glinted off the stone in her engagement ring. And in that flash, he had thought, This is not what I want. And just as quickly – his brain had run the scenario he was too afraid to consciously acknowledge. April would say No. He would tell her he was having second thoughts, and April would reject the idea. She would tell him he was being silly; that it’s normal to have doubts; that they were made for each other. Or maybe she would receive his declaration with sobbing hysterical tears, waking her bridesmaids and parents. Waking her father and semi-psychotic brother. And does Henry really think they would let him walk away from all this?

  When he was at university, people would ask: Where are you from? Henry would sigh inwardly as he answered, and wait for the inevitable shake of the head. They know the area in the broadest sense; have maybe even visited one of the hundreds of towns and villages that make up this stained green rug in the centre of England. But not the village where Henry went to school, had his first fight, his first kiss. A village so small that everyone is, if not known, then known to someone known to you. In a community of fewer than two thousand people, no one gets divorced without everyone else hearing about it. Your daughter sleeps around, your son’s into drugs, your dog shits on the pavement – everybody knows. Buy new shoes; someone will mention it to someone else over supper that evening. Leave your fiancée at the altar . . .

  Unthinkable.

  Between eight and nine the bridal party will breakfast in the scullery, then at nine-thirty, and not a minute sooner, the groom and his will do the same. From there he will have two hours to shave, fasten his cufflinks and get me to the church on time – a three-minute drive costing in the region of six hundred pounds in hired vintage automobiles. After the service the wedding party will return to the castle for food, drink, speeches, dancing and happily ever after. April and I will sleep together in a four-poster bed, make love and wake up as Mr and Mrs Smith. After breakfast April will sign the guest book with the signature (wide, left-leaning letters, the tail of the ‘S’ curling back, up and over the crossbar of the ‘A’) she has been refining for the last three weeks. A few final photographs; hugs, handshakes, tears; ‘look after my girl for me’ and off to the airport. Two weeks of colourful cocktails and lazy days by the pool, perhaps a sightseeing trip and a night in a big-name club. A final bottle of champagne on the beach at sunset then back to the square brick house built for them by Henry’s (now) father-in-law.

  As a consequence of dating a landlord’s son, perhaps, April has a preference for old songs and classic tunes. When they were still too young to drink in the pub, Big Boots would give them a handful of coins to feed the jukebox. April’s favourite song is ‘Sweet Home Alabama’, and if you sing it at a steady pace, giving due time to the air-guitar solos, then you can get from the opening riff to the closing keys in the time it takes to walk from April’s parents’ house to the young couple’s new home. Five minutes, give or take.

  It comes with two bedrooms and a nursery. ‘Or a study,’ Henry had said. ‘Study what?’ said April. ‘It’s a nursery. Don’t you want children?’ – ‘Yes, of course, but not necessarily straight away.’ – ‘We’ve been together twelve years. It’s a nursery.’ See, no argument. The kitchen is brand new and unused, new beds, new tables, new chairs, new television. Everything sitting perfectly still and gathering dust.

  April compiled the wedding list: bedding, pans, knives, his and hers dressing gowns. Henry wanted an old-fashioned record player – April chose a wireless speaker. He doesn’t mind – he can’t pin his doubts on his fiancée’s need for domestic control. Nothing unusual in that. April is funny, athletic, beautiful. She visits her grandmother in the nursing home every week, takes flowers, knows all the residents by name and listens to their looped stories without looking away. She paints her mother’s toenails every Sunday, and makes her father a thermos full of coffee every weekday morning. She calls Henry’s dad by his old boxing handle and throws playful punches at his belly.
April also works in Love & Die, his mother’s hair salon, and the two women take the train into town together to shop for clothes at the retail park. She works occasional shifts in the pub, and is always first up when they do a karaoke. April walks her next door neighbour’s dog. If you need someone to check on the fish while you’re on holiday, you ask the prettiest, sweetest, loveliest girl in the village. So who cares if she wants monogrammed cushions. As an engagement present, April’s father gave them a house brick wrapped in a pink bow. It now sits on the mantelpiece of their two-bedroom, one-nursery house.

  Henry’s parents bought them crockery, twelve of everything, white with a blue trim.

  ‘He builds them a house, we give them plates,’ his mother had said, as if it were her husband’s fault.

  ‘What do you expect me to do about it?’

  Sheila Smith laughed. ‘I don’t expect you to do anything.’

  The cost of the wedding is common knowledge. Flowers, food, band, dress, cars and everything else besides, the day will cost seventeen thousand, six hundred and forty-six pounds. All paid for by April’s father. The house is worth ten times as much.

  Henry would have been happy with a toaster. Happier with a toaster.

  ‘We can buy our own house,’ Henry had said when the idea first came up. ‘I am a dentist, after all.’

  ‘And my dad’s a builder. Each to his own.’

  No shouting, nothing thrown, no cruel words. And three weeks later they are looking at architect’s plans.

  ‘We could move out?’ Henry says.

  April’s nose wrinkles when she frowns, as if at a bad smell. ‘Out? Where out?’

  ‘I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. Chester, Liverpool, anywhere.’

  ‘Anywhere? Babes, why would we live anywhere? We already live in the nicest place in the world.’

  The local mantra. But it strikes Henry that people who insist they live in the best place in the world tend not to have seen very much of it.

  ‘Or Manchester?’ he tries. ‘You would love the shops in Manchester. All on your doorstep.’

  ‘It rains in Manchester.’

  ‘It rains here.’

  April kisses him, holds his face in her hands. ‘Hey,’ she says, ‘I thought you’d got all this out of your system.’